Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Lost Change...

Here it is February and I have missed writing, writing is good therapy.  I had forgotten that.  I write in my journal, and that helps.  My mom always taught me to write what I feel in my journal, the good, the bad, and yes even the ugly.  I'd rather write it down than let it fester and eat me up inside.  So if you were to read my journal one day... I hope it is not until I leave this earthly life, but if you read it, somethings are good, some are alright, some are sad, some may even make you mad, but it is how I feel and see the world around me. We all have our own truth and my journal is mine.  Yes, my husband has read some of my journals, and he still loves me, and personally to me he is the only one that matters.
All that being said, in the last 4 1/2 months I have not written much...
Not in my journal...
Not here...

Grief is a strange thing...
It creeps in at the strangest times, it loves to surprise me.  Just when I think I have it under control it is there once again.
So I am taking this grief and embracing it...
I am writing it...

2013 was the year of lost change...

Change can be good, change can help us grow, change helps us to move from point A to point B, and change can lead to better things.  I am usually enjoy a little change, I love new experiences, I love going to new places and seeing new faces.  Yes, change can be good.

This year, for whatever reason, change came with loss...

a loss of a friend...
a loss of a job...
a loss of a dear friends husband...
a loss of a mother...
a loss of a cousins son...
a loss of an aunt...
Yes, Heaven has some amazing angels.

With losses came much change...
a graduation...
a mission call...
a move...
a new school year... (four kids in four different schools)
a step down from teaching... (love the kids, but my family needs me more)
a new job...
a Missionary...
a move...
new schools...
new city...

The best change is that of our Missionary...
Elder Cottrell is growing and changing with each letter.  As hard as it is to let go, letting him go into the mission field is easier than just letting him go. 

Change has helped me focus on the blessings that I have.  I must use these blessing to help with my grief.  Oh how I miss my mom, she was a good one, but now I will embrace my sadness for a moment, and remember that I was blessed to have a mother who showed those around her that she loved them. Grief has allowed me time to reflect on all that is good,  tears because of all the good that will be missed.

2014 will be the year of gratitude...
how can it not with all my angels looking out for me.

2 comments:

Jenny Parkinson said...

i love you and miss you!

heidikins said...

Hugs. I hope you find some more places/ways to write things. I think there is something really valuable not only in the writing process, but in our future descendents knowing that our life wasn't only the Pinterest/Facebook archives of happy good positive cutesy things. Life is hard and humans have real emotions like anger and frustration, and it's okay to put those somewhere and not be ashamed or embarrassed about it.

xox